Going public like this is probably not all that wise. I may bore some of you, embarrass others and leave the rest of you wondering if I am not abusing my position as editor of this newspaper by indulging myself like this. But then again “wise” may not be the word that springs immediately to mind when people think of me or hear my name, so why should I care? And in any case, the great St. Paul was not beyond doing much the same thing, saying to the Corinthians that he wished they could bear with a little of his foolishness. That’s it then, with St. Paul as my example and my excuse, here is just a little of my foolishness, but by no means all of it.

June 6th last marked the fortieth anniversary of my ordination to the priesthood. I have changed a great deal in that time, not simply in my girth and my tastes, but also in my thinking and outlook. But in spite of what others clearly do think I am even more happy with being a priest now than I thought I was forty years ago. Sure enough that time has not been a continuos flow of smooth, uninterrupted progress in virtue or even common sense. Were I to claim with St. Paul that I had grown in Christ, many of you might suggest that I was seriously deluding myself, dangerously so. I suppose the truth of it is that yes indeed there has been growth in Christ, not because of any accomplishment of mine but simply because of his abiding and purposeful love for me. My difficulty in accepting this great gift lies not in risking criticism from without, but in my slowness to accept love from within.

Back to June 6th then. It had been agreed in our parish that there would be what we like to call around here, “a bit of a do.” As the date grew nearer I could not but begin to take the whole thing more seriously. The signs of “secret” activity were too close for comfort. I began to feel acutely embarrassed. I even got to the point of suggesting to one or two of those I judged to be “Ring Leaders” that they had “no right” to do this kind of thing to me. Cruel thoughts, cruel words, words I now regret. In effect I had been trying to stop people loving me. Now why should that be so? Everyone loves to be loved so why was I being so difficult? The answer came, as the “bit of a do” became part of my personal history and that of the good people of this place. The celebration on Monday night June 6th, was simply wonderful, a huge boost not to my ego, but to my sense of being forgiven, accepted, loved. On the fortieth anniversary of my ordination I was surrounded by people who knew all too well of my foolishness and yet insisted on loving me and wishing me well. I had been acting difficult, not because I wanted to spare people any trouble on my account, but because I had sensed that things were going over the top and I could not possibly claim to have earned them.

Therein of course, lay my mistake, thinking I needed to earn people’s love. How slow I have been to learn that love is a gift, not Brownie points. Earning does not come into it. You fool Farrell! Once I began to accept that people loved me not because of all I had done for them, but simply because they loved me, that love became the greatest gift by far of the many that were showered on me. All the planning and thoughtfulness that revealed itself that night and which I like a stubborn mule had been attempting to prevent, were really part of the creative love of God showered on me NOT to reward me but to help in the making of me. All of which makes me more comfortable in saying that in spite of my foolishness there has been progress In Christ. And if I can only accept myself as friends and family clearly do, and still love myself, Christ will have a less difficult time in re-making me. I dare to offer you all this, because if it is true for me, there may be someone out there for whom it is also true and needs like me to let go and be loved.